


Pub, maybe?

by ToDieByYourSide



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Epistolary, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Silly bit of nonsense, T rated for language, Texting, entirely in text messages
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2021-02-16 03:36:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21501226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToDieByYourSide/pseuds/ToDieByYourSide
Summary: Greg asks Mycroft out. Mycroft declines, but Greg isn't so easily dissuaded.(G) Sherlock's clocked on that I fancy you, hasn't he.(M) Adolescent phraseology aside, I believe so, yes.(G) Has he said anything?(M) He may have mentioned something about you being a good man who didn’t deserve the attentions of a puffed up, emotionally stunted bean-pole, who would bed you and leave you heartbroken.(G) What did you say to that?(M) That I could say the same about him and John, except that it would involve Sherlock having the faintest idea how to get John into bed, and what to do when he got him there.(G) Touché. That shut him up?(M) He was unresponsive to external stimuli for approx. two minutes and then flounced off to his bedroom.(G) Score one for the elder brother, I think.(G) Would you, though?(M) Would I what?(G) Bed me and leave me?
Relationships: Mycroft Holmes/Greg Lestrade
Comments: 37
Kudos: 232





	Pub, maybe?

**Author's Note:**

> I finally managed a 100% texting fic (even if it's only 3500 words). We need more texting fics in the world.  
> Mycroft is in italics, Greg is er... not.
> 
> Also - a thousand thank yous to TheCrackedBellJar for making me some cover art for my silly fic. I love it so much (especially as you included 'the curl').

****

**Monday 2nd Oct.**   
**6.32pm**

Hey.

_Inspector?_

Yep. Hi.

_Is there a problem?_

Nope, no problem. How are you?

_May I help you with something?_

Now you mention it. Wondered if you wanted to meet for a drink?

_What has my brother done this time?_

Nothing - that I know of.

_Then why the meeting?_

No reason. Just thought it might be nice to talk to you about something other than Sherlock, somewhere other than your dingy office or your draughty club. Pub maybe?

_I see. Thank you but no. I don’t think so._

Ok. Just an idea. See you, Mycroft.

 _Goodbye, Detective Inspector._

  
**Wednesday 4th**   
**4.44pm**

Was just thinking...

_Good afternoon, Inspector._

About why you said no to a drink the other day.

_And?_

Was it because you were busy?

_I am always busy, Inspector._

Yeah, but was that the reason?

_No._

Ok. Was it because I suggested a pub? We could go somewhere swankier if you'd be more comfortable?

_The venue was not the cause of my refusal, no._

So what was the problem? You've never minded meeting up with me before?

_The circumstances were different this time._

Because it wasn’t Sherlock related?

_Exactly._

Do you usually involve Sherlock in your dates, then?

_Dates? You were suggesting a date?_

Course. And you knew that already, don’t pretend you didn’t. 

_The thought had not crossed my mind._

Whatever you say, Mycroft. So, now you know I was suggesting a date, what do you think?

_Thank you but no. I don’t think so._

That's word for word what you said before. Is that your standard response to being asked out?

_It is._

Happen often, does it?

_More often than you would think._

Oh I think it happens a lot, gorgeous bloke like you. Bet you are fighting them off in Whitehall. Is that why you carry a brolly, to beat them back with?

_Not exactly. A well-timed prod is usually sufficient._

I like it when you joke. You should do it more.

_I am often exceedingly risible, people just fail to notice._

Might be your delivery 😉 

_If you start utilising pictographs, I will cease all communication with you, Inspector._

Alright, alright. Gotta go anyway, you know how it is... baddies to catch.

_I too have an appointment. You know how it is... baddies to engage in complex, international, diplomatic relations._

Ha-ha. Exceedingly risible. Bye Mycroft.

_Goodbye Inspector._

This isn't over though... I still have questions...

  
**Thursday 5th**   
**12.14am**

Why is ‘no’ your standard response?

 _It_ _is very late, Inspector._

Oh, yeah, sorry. Just got in. Is it too late to talk?

_No, I am still technically up._

Technically up? Is that code for 'in my jimjams'?

_Bletchley Park missed out when you joined the police service, Inspector._

Ha. Ta. Seriously though... why do you always say no when someone asks you out?

_I didn’t say 'always'._

Oh. 

So you do say yes, sometimes.

_On occasion._

Just not on this occasion. I get it. 

_Please do not take it as a personal slight, Inspector._

Hm. Hard not to, but ok. 

_I have no doubt you would make an excellent evenings companion._

It's ok, you can say I'm not your type, it's fine. Night, Mycroft.

_That is not what I am saying. Goodnight._

**Tuesday 17th**   
**3.10pm**

Me again.

_Good afternoon, Inspector._

Just wanted to say thanks for coming down and smoothing things over with the Commissioner. He was spitting, thanks to a certain curly-haired wanker who will remain nameless. 

_Not at all. It was my pleasure._

I doubt that, but thanks anyway. 

_You are welcome._

You could have looked in, y’know? Said Hi. I didn’t know you were here until you had left.

_My apologies._

S’okay. Just haven’t seen you for a while. You avoiding me?

_Not at all._

Good. See you around then? 

_Most assuredly._

  
**Friday 20th**   
**1.08pm**

I’m just passing Thames House…you in there?

_I am afraid not._

Shame. Was gonna kidnap you for lunch. Well, a sandwich and a stroll by the river. 

_I am not in the city today._

Ok. S’probably best anyway, its cold and I don’t think you would approve of my bobble hat.

_Inspector, please. I regret to say that you are wasting your time._

It’s the hat, isn’t it. 

**9.20pm**  
Sorry. I’ll stop badgering you. Stupid of me to think you would go for the idea in the first place. I just like you. A lot actually. And you haven’t been in contact much since I asked you out. Thought I could cajole you into talking to me again. Its fine though, I’ll drop the subject. But don’t hide away, yeah?   
I miss talking to you.

**11.54pm**   
_You are not badgering me, Inspector, and I do not wish you to misunderstand me. It is not that I do not find you attractive, quite the opposite in fact, I find you distractingly so. However, you are also a work colleague of sorts, a friend of my brothers and I value our acquaintance highly. I am unsuited to ‘dating’ in the way you mean and therefore unable to accept your kind offer.  
The loss is entirely mine._

**12.24am**   
_If I am being frank, I am unsuited to anything other than 'one off' encounters, and I would not insult you with such an invitation._   
_You are worth more than I can offer, Gregory._

  
**Saturday 21st.**   
**8.11am**

Um… thanks for the message. 

_I apologise for my outburst last night. I was very tired._

Is that government speak for 'had been drinking', by any chance?

_I can neither confirm nor deny._

I thought so - you used my name. 

_Again, my apologies._

Don’t apologise, I liked it. Keep doing it.

_I do not think that would be appropriate._

Ok. Shall I call you Mr Holmes?

_I would rather you didn't._

Well then?

_Fine._

Fine, what?

_Fine. Gregory._

Close enough. 

  
**Sunday 22nd.**   
**3.15pm**

In light of your recent tired/drunk text, I'm going to ask you again...

Come out with me. Anywhere you want.

_The location is not the issue, Gregory, as you are well aware._

Then what is the issue? We get on, you know I like you and you've said that you like me too. So what's the problem?

_As I have stated, I am not suited to anything other than 'one off' encounters._

So?

_You are not that kind of person, Gregory._

I might be?

_You are not. Your entire dating history shows a clear preference for long term, monogamous relationships, Gregory, and that is to be commended. Envied even. But that is not how I function. We would be incompatible._

I am not going to ask how you know my 'entire dating history' (I'm not sure I recall all of it myself - Friday nights in the early ‘90s are a bit hazy tbh) but what you said sounds like a really Holmesian way of saying 'I'd shag you and leave you'. 

_Succinctly put._

Oh.

**** ~~~~  
**Monday 23rd**  
 **8.45pm**

Ok.

_I don’t follow. Ok, what?_

Ok, a 'one off'. We can do that.

_No._

Why not? No expectations, clearly defined parameters. That’s what you prefer, right?

_I never said it was a preference, but it is a necessity._

Ok then. 

_No._

Why not? 

_It is of no importance ‘why not’. Suffice to say, I cannot agree to your proposal._

No, not suffice to say! Tell me why you can’t come out with me, as a one off, if that is how you are comfortable doing things? I am agreeing with you, we'll do it your way.

_A matter has arisen that requires my attention. I must go._

Rubbish, Mycroft. Tell me the truth. 

**9.52pm**   
_The truth is that I wouldn't be sated with just one night with you._

**9.53pm**   
_The way that breathing doesn’t diminish my need for air._

**10.02pm**  
God, Myc, a ‘one off’ wouldn’t be enough for me either, I just cant say it as well as you can. I was just trying to get some time with you so I could work my charms (such as they are) and make you want me for more than just one night. I had an elaborate evening of seduction planned, to make you fall in love with me 😉

_Intriguing. Involving what, if I may ask?_

Many romantic activities designed to make me seem every bit the hero, the scholar and the poet. 

_Were you going to slay me a dragon, prove Riemann’s Hypothesis and pen me an epic poem?_   
_It seems an ambitious programme for one evening._

Not sure I could manage an epic poem, might be able to stretch to a limerick? 

_I will await it with bated breath._

You will have to agree to a date if you want to know what I really had up my sleeve.

_Tempting. However, it is impossible. We shall not contemplate it further._

Speak for yourself, Myc. I am ‘contemplating’ away like mad, over here. 

_You are incorrigible, Gregory._

Yeah, but I’m cute too, right?

_You are not cute._

Oh. You could have sugar-coated that a bit.

_You are astonishingly handsome, at the very least._

And you are the most beautiful man I have ever seen. 

_What nonsense. Now go to sleep. Goodnight._

Not nonsense. Night Mycroft.

**11.47pm**

'There once was a posh boy from Whitehall  
Who was clever and pretty and tall,  
Said the copper who saw him  
“My god, I adore ‘im”  
And promptly, in love, Greg did fall.'

Be kind, that was my first go at poetry since school.

 _You actually wrote me a limerick? You are ridiculous, Gregory. I like it very much, thank you._ _Who knew you had such hidden talents? What next? Writing Sherlock a haiku?_

Nah. I’ll leave that job to John.

_…why would Dr Watson write poetry for my brother?_

Um... no reason? 

_Gregory?_

Bugger. I said nothing. 

_Oh Dear Lord, really?_

I said NOTHING.

_How am I supposed to sleep after such a nauseating revelation?_

Don’t say anything, will you, to either of them?

_I will endeavour never to think of it again, let alone speak of it._

Thanks. John would kill me. G’night Mycroft.

_Goodnight to the Edward Lear of Scotland Yard._

Who?

_Never mind. Goodnight, poetical one._

Night Mycroft, sleep well.

**Tuesday 24th**   
**6.52pm**

These ‘one offs’...

_Yes?_

Tell me about them.

_No._

Please?

_Why?_

I just want to know.

_What do you want to know?_

Is this something you do often?

_‘Often’ is a subjective term._

Shall I take that as a yes?

_If you wish._

Who are they?

_Mostly overseas visitors, diplomatic guests attending work functions. Unconnected with my work personally but understanding of my situation._

Type? 

_Astute, discreet, conversationally stimulating._

Only men?

_Yes._

Why ‘overseas visitors’?

_They will leave the country imminently. Further contact is not an issue._

Is that what you want?

_It is the simplest and easiest arrangement._

That didn’t answer my question.

_It suits my life._

Try again... is that what you want, Mycroft? No emotional connection at all? 

_Up to this point - yes._

And from this point?

 **6.58pm**  
Myc?

 **7.05pm**  
S'okay... mull it over. I can wait.

**8.48pm**   
_I am content with my current situation._

You took too long to reply. I don’t believe you.

_Not everyone is as romantic as you, Gregory. I do not require affection in order to have sex. The two are not mutually inclusive._

Yes Mycroft, I get that, loud and clear. But they don’t have to be mutually exclusive either, you do know that, right? You can have both. 

_That sounds like a ‘relationship’. That is not something I have ever needed._

You've never had a relationship? Ever?

_It depends on your definition._

My definition is something that has lasted more than a few days, with someone who wasn’t wearing an ID badge to remind you of their name and embassy, and who offered you something a bit more substantial than just an exchange of bodily fluid.

_If you don’t categorise the above as a relationship, then no, I have not._

Of course I don’t! That’s just fucking! Jesus, Mycroft!

**8.54pm**  
Sorry. But that breaks my heart, it really does. 

**8.58pm**  
Let me show you the difference between being fucked and being loved. Please. 

**9.20pm**   
_I can’t. It would be ruinous._

God, Myc, ruinous to what?

_To my work. To my peace of mind. To my entire way of being. I cannot allow my focus to be taken like that._   
_My life is easier when I don’t know what I am missing. I am sorry._

**9.25pm**  
Fine, Mycroft. Whatever. I need to go. Speak next week or sometime.  
 _Gregory, you don’t have to go._  
Later, ok?  
 _As you wish._

  
**Friday 27th**   
**10.54pm**

_You don’t want a relationship with me, Gregory._

Try me.

_But I wouldn’t know where to begin._

I’ll teach you.

 _I_ _would have no time for you._

I’m a copper, remember? You think I get free time? We’d work it out.

_I am not a tactile person._

S’okay, I am tactile enough for the both of us.

_I work in bed. On a laptop. Late into the night._

I’ll get a sleep mask.

_I brood. For long periods._

Very ‘Heathcliff’ of you, darlin’. I don’t care.  
We can go on like this all night, Myc. You’re not gonna put me off. 

**Saturday 28th**   
**2.17pm**

I’m at 221b. Sherlock knows, doesn’t he.

_You will have to be more specific._

He knows I fancy you.

_Adolescent phraseology aside, I believe so, yes._

Has he said anything?

_Only that I should leave you alone, lest it impact on his case quota._

The git. That all he said?

_He may have mentioned something about you being a good man who didn’t deserve the attentions of a puffed up, emotionally stunted bean-pole, who would bed you and leave you heartbroken._

What did you say to that?

_That I could say the same about him and John, except that it would involve Sherlock having the faintest idea how to get John into bed, and what to do when he got him there._

Touché. That shut him up?

_He was unresponsive to external stimuli for approx. 2 minutes and then flounced off to his bedroom._

Score one for the elder brother, I think. 

Would you, though?

_Would I what?_

Bed me and leave me.

_That is my usual strategy._

I know what you usually do, but would you do that to me?

_I don’t think I could, no._

Good. Cos I wouldn't do that to you either.

**Sunday 29th**   
**7.34pm**

So, what do you think? Give it a go?

_You’d tire of me, Gregory._

I wouldn't. I couldn’t.

_Certainly you would. I would be unable to maintain your interest - outside of the bedroom._

Oh ho! Is that Mycroft-speak for being 'dynamite in the sack'?

_Success in life and success in the bedroom require the same skills, Gregory: an agile mind, a limber body and a talented tongue. Are you in any doubt that I possess all three?_

God, Mycroft. A talented tongue? You bloody tease.

_I was referring to my gift for languages and repartee._

Yeah. Course you were.

**Tuesday 31st**   
**4.13pm**

You watching me?

_What? No, of course not._

Ok. 

_Why would you think so?_

CCTV keeps moving every time I do. Following me about. Have been for days. 

_Your imagination, surely._

Maybe. But they suddenly stopped as soon as I texted you.

_Paranoia. A danger in your line of work._

Whatever you say, Mycroft. 

I don't mind though, if you are utilising your governmental powers to get a look at my arse.

_I am doing no such thing._

_Your jacket is too long, for a start._

Gotcha! 

_Get back to work, Detective Inspector._

**Thursday 2nd**   
**7.49pm**

Mycroft...

_Gregory..._

Why are you lurking in the car?

_I am not lurking. I am observing._

Are you coming out? I could do with an ally here.

_You are doing exceptionally well without my help._

Ok, well at least come distract your brother for a bit so I can get on, yeah? He is going into his routine and the SOCOs are climbing the walls.

_I am not dressed for a crime scene._

What? What on earth are you wearing that you couldn’t wear on a dark street at 8pm? You driving about in a towel? Or something else... impractical? (Your brother told me about your Uncle Rudy, and just for the record - I think those legs of yours would look great in heels) 😉

_Gregory, I am not cross-dressing in here. My attire may cause notice, that is all._

Now I have to know! Don't make me come in there and drag you out by your ankles...

_Very well. But no smirking, understood? As a very special favour I will harass Sherlock for 10mins. Not a minute longer._

Thanks, I owe you.

_I will remember that._

JFC Mycroft!

_Shush. Do you want me to distract my brother for you, or not?_

Sorry but... wow. Never seen you in a tux before. You look amazing, Myc. ‘007’ sort of amazing.

_I am attending a function. Now let me get on with my 'mission'._

Yes, Mr Bond.

**8.28pm**  
Thanks for that, I got it all sorted without His Nibs there, flapping his coat about. Not that he wasn’t helpful of course, I think we’ve ID’d the culprit, thanks to Sherlock thinking to bleed the radiators! 

_Glad I could help. Although I would have checked the water tank rather than the radiators (it would have been quicker and the evidence less contaminated by rust)._

Now you tell me! 

_I hope you are able to get home soon._

Me too. Enjoy your function - you do look gorgeous, Mycroft. 

_Flatterer._

**Friday 3rd**  
 **3.02am**  
Its 3am. I'm home at last. Are you home yet? 

**3.03am**  
Do you mind me asking...are you alone? I know it's not my business, but I can’t stop thinking about what you said about work functions and the 'astute, discreet, stimulating' people you meet there.

 **3.06am**  
And you going off looking the way you did – ‘sexy bastard’ dialled up to eleven.

 **3.11am**  
Sorry. Sorry, none of my business. Forget the previous texts, yeah?

 **3.16am**  
Actually, no, I am not sorry. I don’t like thinking about you with people who don’t know you and don’t realise what they have and how ridiculously privileged they are. 

**3.31am**  
Shit. Ignore all of the above, ok? Please? I didn’t mean it, you do whatever you want to do. It's my problem, not yours. Sorry. 

**8.10am**   
_Gregory. In response to your texts last night... I got home at 4am and I was alone. I do not want you to feel that you cannot talk to me candidly, and I was not, in any way, offended by your messages. In fact, I will admit to rereading the ones from the crime scene several times, over the course of my evening._

You did?

_I enjoy our correspondence, Gregory._

Me too. Thanks for being okay about my last messages though. I didn’t mean to seem… I don’t know, childish? Old fashioned? I do get it, honest. It's fine.

_Is it fine?_

It's fine.

_Gregory?_

It’s not fine. I hate it. I'm sorry, but I do. You deserve more than 'one offs' Mycroft, you are selling yourself short.   
It's not fair on you and it's not fair on me, frankly. 

  
You like me. You've said you do. And you know how I feel about you. And this whole situation is maddening. So I am going to say this one last time and then I am going to stop saying it for good, ok?

_As you wish..._

Come out with me, at whatever location, at whatever time, for whatever you want to do, but do it WITH ME. Someone who knows you, someone who cares about you, someone whose visa isn’t gonna expire in 48hrs.

 **8.28am**  
Or not?

 **8.37am**  
Mycroft?

**8.44am**   
_There will be a Guy Fawkes event happening near my Surrey house, on Saturday. Bonfire, fireworks, the burning of Catholic effigies - it will be an extravaganza, I am assured. The fire-torch procession begins at the parish church at 7pm. It will be a late finish, you will probably have to spend the night. If you wanted._

Will there be Parkin?

_Enough to satisfy even your sweet tooth, I have no doubt._

Ok. You've twisted my arm.

_Playing 'hard to get' now?_

Ha. I think that ship has sailed. See you Saturday then?

_I will look forward to it._

Me too. You won’t regret this, I promise. 

**9.20am**  
Can I be the one to tell Sherlock?

_You are too late, I am afraid. I have already informed him, and he was predictably, dramatically appalled._

That was quick?

_I felt the urge to gloat. Gloating at Sherlock is always satisfying._

God, you are as bad as each other. Tell him that if he ever plucks up the courage to do something about his pining flatmate, we are happy to double-date!

_We are not. In no way are we happy to do that. Under no circumstances will we do that._

Alright, m’only teasing x

**Saturday 4th**   
**2.55pm**

It’s gonna be ‘minus two’ tonight, will you refuse to stand next to me if I wear my bobble hat?

_Do not wear the bobble hat._

But I'll freeze!

_I will keep you warm, Inspector._

No hat, right you are, gorgeous x

**Author's Note:**

> ATTENTION: Witness the paranoia of someone who reads 10,000 stories about the same two gorgeous idiots in the same situations and then fears that everything they write has come from something they have read, and not their own brain at all =  
> One line in here I fear I may have lifted from another fic. I do not know if I did, or (if I did) where from, but if you read it and go "hey that's my line!" and you want it back, let me know and I will delete it. But just in case it is mine after all, I am leaving it in for now. 
> 
> Also: What's that you say? What is Parkin?  
> Parkin is a traditional English autumnal treat. A sweet, sticky, cakey thing made from oatmeal, ginger and treacle, particularly popular in the midlands and north of England at 5th November celebrations.


End file.
